I need to know so I can bring you back

I don't think you can do it

Yeah, those words kind of suck! But I know I am already doing it. And everything is going to be okay.

I miss Arti. The emails, texts, and occassional calls are cool but I want my buddy back! It was nice being able to walk down the hall and say, hey what are you doing let's go to the mall or can you come here with me or go there. Having someone to run errands or even do nothing with makes everything fun. There is so much Esha can do. I tote her along some places but she talks too much. Haha. And has her own random agenda. It's hilarious, she's always like - follow me, Shradha ben, follow me. When I ask her where we're going she doesn't know. She'll say things like to the fruit. Or to the flowers. I love her. That silly little girl.

I haven't talked to Kishan in ages. And when we do talk, he doesn't say much. Such a quiet boy. Like any normal sister, I want to know what he's thinking and feeling so I can be there for him. Is he stressed with the heavy load of classes. Does he have a lot of friends. Does he like them. Does he have a crush on a girl. Haha. C'mon Kishan, talk to meeeee. Tell me!!!

Work is going good. I've been there for about a month. I'm getting the hang of things, slowly but surely (every person you work for has certain working styles and its annoying to figure out, lol), and am enjoying it for the most part. It's actually wonderful having a job where you don't wake up in the morning and wish you were dead.

Oh yeah and the count down begins for my trip! I'm booked and ready to goooo. Well, sort of ready to go. All I need now are some new tops. Something nice and fresh. And pretty. I also need to get my eyebrows done because they look like wildfires... I also need to up my visits to the gym. Okay, then I'll be ready. Unless I think of something else. Blah.

To know the difference

I found myself confronted with the bad wolf and good wolf again. An argument that I wasn't going to win. I wasn't wrong. And she wasn't wrong either. It was one of those situations where you take a deep breath, know that it's coming, and have those good qualities ready -patience, listening, understanding. No matter how frustrated you are.

I want to try and choose to be the bigger person from now on. I am only hurting myself when I drown in all that makes me feel bad. I know I still need to control my temper. I just get so frustrated when I get blamed, accused, or spoken for when its not true. But you've heard me say that I am justified by the way I feel, so that is true for the other person as well - rational or not.

If you hold no hurt, pain, and just let things be sometimes, accept we're all humans and make mistakes countless times - we will suffer less and love more. If we accept that we have entire lives that no one person knows completely, that we share fragments of, but think we know wholly - we will judge less and be there more. If we accept that we are family or good friends, and that there is an unspoken relationship that threads through our each day, knowing that each of us is trying (sometimes forgets), but there is more to it then what meets the eye - we will demand less and let us each be.

"Saying sorry doesn't mean you're wrong and the other person is right, it means you value the relationship more than your ego."

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy. This is probably very true for people in general but women especially. We are wired differently. Thoughts, ideas, situations, conversations, actions, words, doubts... actually ANYTHING can cross our minds and we latch on to it. Some of it comes with history and some of it is new. It can come from anyone - partners, friends, family, strangers and it all leads to danger. It has the power to destroy happy or good thoughts. In me, the bad wolf always wins. At first...

I dwell on things until the rest of everything else falls apart. I hate that I over think, over analyze, and over conclude. I know most of it is in my head, but if I feel it then it's justified. Right? When I start to really think, I realize I am only hurting myself. At what expense? Then I feed the good wolf. And life is good again.

Always feed the good wolf. If you feed it first, you won't need to feed two wolves.

A Native American story...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."